livin life

chocolatemoo @ 2007-01-20T14:16:00

2007-01-20T20:18:25Z

its funny how comforting love is.

chocolatemoo @ 2007-01-18T22:18:00

2007-01-19T06:41:34Z

well, I can say that things are looking pretty darn for me as of late in the new year.

Honestly, being in a good mood, smiling and overall feeling good is an amazing feeling as long as it is genuine. I just was going through a period where it wasnt genuine and I couldnt paint on the smile anymore.

However, things have quickly turned aroud, for lots of reasons. Probably even too many to list. Planning this cruise has definately given me a sense of hope and relief for my first spring break as a 21 year old. Its actually my first vacation, first cruise, first time in mexico (other than tijuana). Alot of firsts, and I'm happy to spend it with my best friend. I just cant wait to spend 8 days going to Acupulco, Manzanillo and Zihuatanejo. Doing nothing but whatever the hell we want; and drunk if I so please. I will actually have a tan for the first time in 3 years. Thank god.

I'm getting to a confortable place in my jobs. I am confident with my work ethic, and I realize that I am a valued employee at each of my jobs. I no longer feel pressured to work myself to death or feel uncomfortable asking for time off for leisure or for mpre important things like school.

Moving on to that subject. School starts on Tuesday, and I'm excited for another semester. I am taking Spanish 251, one of my last spanish classes and going on into my 8th year of spanish. Interpersonal Communitcations (which I am understanding is a class that helps you to get to know yourself and why we act the way we act socially). Bio 110, which I'm actually kindof excited about considering I havent taken bio since my soph year in high school. And Beginning Fingerprinting for AOJ. I'm also excited about this because I've been considering doing some forensics or criminal investigation work while I'm in law school, or even doing this instead of practicing law.

So overall, I think this will be a good semester. Having an 8 day break will be lovely too.

I am back with my ex boyfriend, and I have never been more happy to say so.
Usually I am pretty timid to admit it, but its actually happening because he got help and has changed the things about him that once bothered me. Mostly his insecurities were what was screwing our relationship up. I felt like I couldnt tell him anything without him reading into it too much, or thinking that I was going to leave him or cheat on him.
In a way, the break up made us learn things about the way our relationship used to be and the ways to fix it.
Nothing was really even wrong with us in the first place, we get along great. He never treated me badly. I think that both of us were using our past as a scapegoat for our insecurities.
We've both let them go. I have realized that he is pretty much exactly the kind of person I want in my life. I think he is perfect for me in many ways, and I love learning more things about him that reassure that fact.
He encourages me in every way. He speaks spanish to me to push me and to help me learn. He tells me I'm beautiful no matter what I look like or am feeling like.
Its not only the things that he tells me, but its the fact that I can tell that I motivate him too.
Its a great feeling to know that he wants to go to school so that he can provide for me, and so that he can measure up to what all i have to offer.
I dont know, he is definately amazing, and I am very happy that we both can see that there is something special between us that we both dont want to let go.

The butterflies are back that used to be. I look at him and definately see my future. Our lives together are tottally cheesy, but sadly its the truth. He makes me happy, and I find myself being tottally goofy again and overall my spirits are high. I'm happy. thats it.

chocolatemoo @ 2007-01-15T12:01:00

2007-01-15T18:12:47Z

Turns out 2007 will be a year unlike any other.
This next year is going to determine alot.

I'm not going to study abroad.
No matter what, I cannot put money aside, and putting a 6000 dollar loan on top of the loan to go to law school, its just not for me.
I would be gone for Christmas, who knows whats going to happen with my brothers health, and I dont really know if I could up and leave my family when I havent ever been away from them for more than 3 days in my life.

However, I am going on a cruise with Lynde and Alvin.
Its a 7 day cruise that leaves from Florida and travels to 4 spanish speaking islands. I am so excited. It will be an amazing vacation that I have much needed for 3 years now. Every summer I tell myself that I will take a vacation, but I still havent. And now I finally will. My first trip being 21, with Lynde. My first cruise, and I get to travel to beautiful destinations. I dont think I could ask for anything more. Hopefully, it will cure the itch I have to get away from work and school and my family life. I'll be on Spring Break of my last semester at Grossmont.
After the cruise, I plan to save money and get ready to move out. I'm already saving now, but I know that the trip will set me back a little bit. My goal is to be able to move out in a year.
My parents are taking a year to get our house ready to rent, and in a year they plan on moving to North County as well.

I'm excited for this year now. I have a vacation to look forward to. School is going well, I have great classes this semester.
I really am starting to enjoy working again. I love working at the Brigantine. I just love the atmosphere and the people, its a great feeling,
I'll be 21. It seemed like that day was never going to come. I remember being 16 with Allison, and saying omg, I cant wil till 18, and now 21 is the last birthday that I'll probably ever look forward to.

I am talking to Froilan again which has brought me and indescribable sense of happiness. No one will ever be able to feel the way I feel about him, because they cant get in my head. All I know is that I'm glad to have him back in my life. I feel like us breaking up has led us to a much more successful relationship that we are in now. We both have a better understanding of each other. And the time apart gave me some time to realize who I am, and what kind of relationship I need/and can handle right now.

He makes me feel like I can accomplish anything I want to accomplish. And even though I already know that for myself, its a great feeling to have someone beside you telling me that its okay to get stressed out, its okay to get a C on a test. Its not the end of the world. He tells me I'm beautiful when I cry or I'm angry or complacent. No matter what he compliments me in every way. He truely is beautiful. I dont know what will happen with us. All I know is that I'm happy, and for the first time in a while I can sleep and have a smile on my face when I wake up.

here and there

2007-01-04T07:38:09Z

daily life is such a gamble; you know.

its like, one day you wake up. just laying in bed pressing snooze over and over again, you can probably realize what kind of a day its going to be in the first few moments when that groggy feeling begins to wear off.
what exactly determines it though?
is it influenced by the day before?
or is each day a fresh start?

I guess it depends on the kind of person you are. whether or not you are the kind of person to dwell on an issue after it has passed. Or maybe if you know you have a big or stressful or tiresome day ahead of you.

Alot of times my day depends on what all I do in the morning before I get my day started. Like if I wake up late, I usually feel rushed and nasty and like the entire day will go wrong.
Or I'll cut myself in the shower, and wonder if the rest of the day will be as unlucky.

But generally, if I wake up with plenty of time to pluck my eyebrows if I please, or have a bowl of cold cereal,....the day ends up going pretty well.

I've always been the kind of person that feels I need to look as good as I can look every day. On lazy days, forget it, I'll probably end up more depressed that I walked out of my house wearing sweatpants, than if I were to have put in the little extra effort to zip up a pair of jeans.
I dont know, its just the way I am.

Lynde tells me I'm an old lady, and I guess I'm realizing its pretty much true.
However, I wouldnt say that I am naive in the ways that old folks are.
I do enjoy a glass of wine, fine dining, and will pretty much refuse to date a boy if his elbows are on the table while we eat, or he doesnt hold the door for me from time to time.
I dont know, I guess its just the way I would want to be treated if I were married, plus my dad has always done it. We all know that our main male example in life comes from our dad's. And I think there has even been some evidence that women tend to marry men with similar behavior and mannerisms as their fathers.

The new year brings on many challenges, and new experiences. My brother's transplant; and dealing with that aftershock will definately be a bit bizzare. However nothing we cant handel. My trip abroad, 86 days. 4 weeks in Barcelona; on the eastern coast of Spain, and then 2 months in Seville, slightly more inland, will be the experience of a lifetime.....but am I ready to leave..?
I dont really know.
Moreover, a 6000 dollar loan..? I dont know if I'm ready for that. But I think it may be something I need.

I hung out with Froilan for the first time since the breakup. I can say that for being with someone for such a short time; he has not left my head, heart, or soul.
I dont know if that means something. It may or it may not. I do know that I am still not ready to be in a relationship with him. Whats more difficult is knowing that he is on medication, so he's not as emotional. He gave up smoking and drinking. Works 5 days a week. Spends time with family. Definately more of the person that I wish he was when he and I were together.....so am I passing up a good thing?....
I dont think I am, but I spend time daily pondering this question.

I'm going snowboarding for the first time this season, and I'm hoping that it will help to clear my head. Away from San Diego even if it isnt that far, it helps me for some reason. Just knowing that my cell phone is packed away, and all I have are my friends, music and the snow is a very liberating feeling.

I'm getting much better at running the board now at the Brigantine. My brother and I have each others back when it comes to covering shifts. And though he got written up today, he was still offered a promotion as a Drink Runner....he told the manager that our job positions are not challenging enough for either of us, and that we both want to be promoted. So I'm hoping that promotion will be in the near future.

I want to stay on the right trach this year. with school, diet, excercise, and work. everything....I just want things to be status quo this year. The rollercoaster of emotions has really been wearing me out.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-25T02:33:00

2006-12-25T07:33:21Z

yea..... I definately miss this guy.
the epitome of someone I would want to marry. (just subtract a few things)

But I'm not worried, I'll find someone that will make me just as happy. The lord works in mysterious ways....and definately most when you least expect it.

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm trying my best not to be a scrooge. This is my third Christmas alone....its not easy.....but nothing is.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-17T22:59:00

2006-12-18T03:59:56Z

I swear, life is just one huge snowball.

You know, the last couple weeks Ive had a few people come to me and say to me:
"I know youre not Happy".

It's hard because, even I want so bad to believe that I am.

....I think I'm happy.....

until I realize that I cant even eat food and look at myself in the mirror the same way. I cant have the slightest thing go wrong with my clothes, or hair, or skin or eyelashes, or else I freak out.

I used to have so much confidence. Somehow it has completely plumetted.

The problem is that I set standards for myself that are almost too difficult to achieve.
I want to be the best at everything, the most attractive, the most confident; but something has got to give.

So instead of me being able to deal with my imperfections, I deny them. I pretend they dont exist. I eat that cup of pudding, go home and look in the mirror, and wish that I could just make it go away.
It's gotten worse. I used to not be that way. I used to not watch what I eat. But now, it's really bad. I either eat good, or cheat. And when I cheat, I end up getting really dissapointed in myself.
I wish I could make that go away, but I cant. It wont go away until I can love myself and be content with my weight and physical appearance. But I'm not.

I wish that I could just be normal.
I wish that I didnt have to deal with personal family things that get to me, on top of all the fucked up relationship shit I went through in high school, PLUS all the regular things that people go through.

its too much,
I've reached my breaking point. However, usually the breaking point only lasts a few days at most. Usually I'll cry it out and spend some time alone and all will be gone. But for some reason its sticking to my ribs and not going away.

I hope it goes away soon.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-17T17:59:00

2006-12-17T22:59:20Z

I figured out why this summer, I was so content with life. Its not that I need a significant other, its that I need the company of men around me.

It doesnt matter if its strictly plutonic, or otherwise. I just like them around me. And that seems like "Duh, everyone wants that" but seriously, I need to be surrounded by the male gender, or I get bored, frusterated, and lonely.

I figured it out.
Unfortunately, I am still at a standstill. But at least I figured out that I'm not dependent, I just like to be in the company of a male, quite often actually.

I should just find a gay guy that I can shop with, and talk about life with, and go out with me when I feel like getting dressed up and going out.

hm.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-16T16:11:00

2006-12-16T21:11:20Z

Lately, nothing falls into place.

I feel like everything fights me. I cant say anything, without being contradicted. I cant do anything without being judged. Nothing I say is right. Nothing I do seems to make me happy.
Everything I do, I'm not myself.
I feel like I am this blank person, and just standing or walking or working I get a furrowed brow and this confused look on my face because of all the things running through my head.

I just want things to go well, consistently, just for a little bit.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-15T12:25:00

2006-12-15T17:25:12Z

I don't think it's meant to be, be
But she loves her work more than she does me
And honestly, at twenty-three
I would probably love my work more than I did she
So B, ain't we
It's me, and her
'Cause what she prefers over me, is work
And that's, where we, differ
So I have to give her
Free, time, even if it hurts
So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be
All you can be, like the reserves
And me? My time in the army, it's served
So I have to allow she, her, time to serve
The time's now for her
In time she'll mature
And maybe we, can be, we, again like we were
Finally, my time's too short to share
And to ask her now, it ain't fair
So yeah, she lost one

Lose one, let go to get one
Left one, lose some to win some
Sorry I'm a champion, sorry I'm a champion
You lost one

Time don't go back, it go forward
Can't run from the pain, go towards it
Some things can't be explained, what caused it?
Such a beautiful soul, so pure, shit
Gonna see you again, I'm sure of it

(hm....Froilans song on Myspace....how appropriate. But I kinda like it...)

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-12T00:32:00

2006-12-12T05:32:59Z

Its true. I absolutely wear my emotions on my sleeve.
It sucks, because I try to hide it. I try to hide all the emotions running through my head and all the emotions my heart is sorting through.

I just want December to be over.
But I might want to do some Christmas shopping first.

We got our Christmas tree :)

I calculated my grade for my Anthropology class, and I have an 86 in the class. So If I can get at least a B or B- on the final, I'll get a B in the class. Which means I'll still have No C's in my college career. Either way, I'm proud of myself. The classes I have taken this year have been a definite challenge for me. I just cant wait to finish my last exams, and breathe some fresh air.
Get back into my routine of work, working out, and spending time with people I care about.

I'm in a complacent mood. I cant decide if I'm happy or sad. But either way, I'm off to study for Anthropolgy and going to bed :)

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-11T12:53:00

2006-12-11T17:53:37Z

I'm finally back into the grind of work. I didnt go to work (at my job durring the day) at all last week. And I only worked on Monday, Tuesday and Thurs night. It made me feel so lazy, but the time off was definately needed. My body was ill, and very angry at me.

I guess its time to start realizing that Christmas is actually here. Yet, I lack motivation to get a christmas tree, decorate the house, or even buy christmas presents. I dont know what it is, maybe because I'm getting older. Maybe because I'm stuck in a pretty bad rutt right now.

I wont lie, I am not this depressed body walking around and working day to day. I do love each day that I live through because I experience laughter, friendships, and learn life lessons. But I will say that there is a sort of black hole that seems to dominate my body from time to time. I just want it to be gone.

I wish so badly that I didnt associate it with having a significant other. However, it is how society works. We are pack animals; we need companionship. Though I pride myself in being independent, it still wears me down that I am yet to have a successful relationship in (in March) going on three years.

I'm tottally bi polar when it comes to relationships though. 80 percent of the time my mind and body hate the male gender and I dont think twice about the single life.
But the other 20 comes out, and I realize, shit...I'm getting older...wiser...and yet, I'm still single.

hmm.
thats all for now. I'm off to work.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-10T21:29:00

2006-12-11T02:29:49Z

Ugh.
I'm over my life lately.

I stress about little shit. It seems that any time I give attention to my ex'es they think I'm ready to get back together with them. I have nothing to say....
It doesnt matter that they were the ones that broke up with me, it doesnt mean I'm not over it. I talk to you because I want you as a friend. Not because I still see you the same, romantically. I'm sorry, but its true.

I just want to meet someone new.

You know what. I just decided. My brother's kidney transplant is going to be coming very soon. Probably within the first three months of the new year. As soon as I know that the procedure is successful, I want to leave.
I want to move away somewhere.

I dont know where. Out of this house? yes. Out of this city or state? I dont know yet. I just know that I need a change of pace. This monotony is killing me, and getting the best of me.

I cant distinguish myself from Happy to Upset, to emotional to angry. The emotions lately seem to be balling into one. I get this tranquil look on my face and I'm undecided if it is truely sincere or not.

I'm not happy in my skin right now.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-10T17:13:00

2006-12-10T22:13:38Z

I wish that I could possibly explain the feelings that I have been overcome with lately. Probably because I have had a large dose of alone time. And I find alone time a key element in my life.
Yet,lately, maybe I've had a little too much.

I saw/ talked to my ex boyfriend Froilan yesterday. I want so bad for someone to crawl into my heart and feel the warmth I feel when I look at him and talk to him. Not the love that i feel for him, but the warmth in my body for how content I feel. I swear, it feels like everything in my life is perfect, and that everything is beautiful, its euphoric. It sounds like I'm on some kind of drugs, but the way that he makes me feel is the most amazing feeling. And thats why I loved being with him so much. Its just too bad that he took me for granted, and I saw his true colors, and I no longer felt these intense feelings in regards to him.

I later called him to talk to him, mostly to make sure that he and I could maintain some sort of friendship. He basically shot the idea down, which I respect. Nonetheless, I really just wanted to make sure that there werent any feelings of angst or anger between us. For some reason, it makes it hard for me to sleep or focus when I have any sort of bad vibes in my life. Though most people would probably put it behind them, I just cant. If someone was in my life, they will always have a place in my heart.

He cant be my friend basically because he's not over me. Which I tottally understand.

I ended up telling him a little bit about my life and whats been going on with me lately. He told me that he would have been by my side every moment of my doctors appt for my kidney infection.
He told me that he would and will always be there for me in times like that.
He also said that I will never understand how beautiful I am to him. And that he just wishes I would have carried myself better.

For a moment I became offended, until he explained himself. He told me I dont need the Louis Vuitton bag on my shoulder, the rings on my fingers, or the expensive car I drive. That I should realize that I'm beautiful with or without those things.

I couldnt help but cry.

It's hard for me to really explain but it definately has nothing to do with the fact that I am embaressed or upset because I think I'm materialistic.
It's more of the confidence that I lack, and have been lacking for a long time now. The fact that I try to hide it through name brands or flashy things so that people dont actually focus on the girl underneath. Because if you looked deeper, it would expose a girl that is completely vulnerable and that is just looking for someone to be my companion, and my confidante.

Froilan told me that he will always care about me, and that I was the most gorgeous and perfect girl he has ever met.
For some reason that guy just gets to me. He is the most sincere person I have ever encountered.

I have been really emotional lately. Its possibly because I havent gone to the gym.

Off to Study! :)

chocolatemoo @ 2006-12-09T16:30:00

2006-12-09T21:30:52Z

Who needs boys anyways.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-09-20T18:02:00

2006-09-20T23:01:21Z

I started my new job at The Brigantine, finally got a job there. I actually really like it alot.
I mean, now granted, hosting is a bunch of bullshit considering the amount of experience I have as a server, however, I plan on sticking it out until I turn 21, which is in 5 months, and then if I dont get promoted, I'll peace out.
Everyone loves my brother there, which means that everyone will love me, and they have already offered him several promotions, so I'm not too worried about it

If I get my bar tending liscence, and I have three restaraunts (two of them being middle-upper class places), I should have no problem getting a job at any place I choose. i just really want to get behind a bar.
I have a typically abnormal passion for food and drinks. I think its almost like an art. I used to love making espresso drinks. There's something very satisfying about making a drink for someone and having them enjoy it. Not to mention cocatils are beautiful, so I just really want to bar tend.

I'm still dating Froilan from Croc's and everything is going well. He is a total sweeatheart, and he has so much compassion I think it is beautiful. I dont know if it's because of his culture, or if it's because he doesnt come from wealth, he just appreciates everything more than your average person. It almost makes me more appreciative for the things I have. He says I have brought out his culutural side, and I would say he's brought out my gracious side. I think we definately bring out the best in each other. He told me he's going to try to speak only spanish around me to help me learn all the in's and out's of the language. I like that he wants to help me.
I brought him home, I had him spend almost an entire day with my family. Watching football, dinner, dinner table conversation, and a movie. The next day, I think he might have felt inferior because of the goals and achievements I have made, and he enrolled in school to be a pharmacy technician. He said he's never had a girl in his life that he wants to take care of, and invest time and money in. It's pretty flattering really, but mostly I'm glad because my mother insists on comparing him to Ricky. She thinks they're like identical. The fact that he didnt go to school I could tell my mom was judging him like crazy, and it's already been getting on my nerves. Now I can tell her, and she can shut the fuck up about it "not getting serious" , or "just having fun". bullcrap. Gr She makes me heated.

I'm off to work at the Brigantine.
P-fuggin-S, school is way to hard already.

just a little rant

2006-09-13T05:07:14Z

I'm doing better. I think that my emotional outburst while completely drunk off of Vodka Cranberries really helped.
I'm glad that i have a friend like Noah who will listen to my cry, and sometimes test me and make everything seem worse, but at the same time it feels right. It feels right to have my tears wiped away by him smudging my make up all over my face. I'm so glad there is a mutual love for each other between he and I.

So I got back my first english essay. I'm really frusterated with myself, because I know that I put alot of pressure on myself to do well in school, but at the same time I dont expect myself to be a straight A student. I dont expect myself to just be successful and amazing at everything. Buttt, all this Sean crap that went on, it fucked me up. My first essay was written the second day of class, I got a B+ on it. I was stoked because I knew that my teacher liked my writing style, which really is all that is important. We got our essay's back and had to add a story to them to make them into a Narrative/Description essay. This was the week that Sean decided to walk out on me.

I got my essay back. C fuggin minus

I hate being a girl.

On another note, I have been seeing a boy from Crocodile Cafe that seems to put a smile on my face for the time being. He took me to TJ for our first date and it was the funnest date I have ever been on. We went to dinner at La Placita, and spoke spanish to each other, drank margherita's and got to know each other. It was so much fun, it was exactly what I needed. I like him. He's really into his spanish roots, he is constantly talking about fate and how mexican's are children of the sun. I love to hear him talk about how posotive he is about life. He's proud of his heritage and knows alot about it, and its perfect for him to talk about it with me because I love the Spanish Culture. Its' wierd how I feel like I really am partly spanish myself. Learning about it and speaking the language, and working around mexicans, and dating mexicans' really has put the culutre almost into my blood. It's a little bizarre, okay, its alot bizarre . but I like it, and its just me.

I forwarded my journal post about Sean to him. The one a few entries down from when I first met him. Since he wouldnt give me the decency to have closure, I needed for him to at least know how much I cared for him, or the way that I viewed what was going on between us.
He read it after about a week, and just responded to me today. with "Did you really write that?". I dont know what his deal is. I guess I just fell to hard into his trap, and I'm definately kicking myself for it now. But I have to admit I miss his ass.

Oh well.

School is getting more difficult. My spanish class and Soc classes are a breeze, but its Anth and Eng that are going to kick my ass this semester. Not because Icant handel it, but because I think I'm actually going to have to study and actually use the books I spent hundreds of dollars on in order to recieve a grade that I will be content with.

Anyways, I got a job at the Brigantine. I'm really excited about it. I want to get out of Jimmy's. I'm just waiting for a proper promotion and I'm out. Off to fine dining I go! :)

chocolatemoo @ 2006-09-11T15:29:00

2006-09-11T20:38:51Z

It's so wierd to me that about once a month, I just completely crack. The month that this doesnt happen, will be bizarre, and I probably had it and just forgot. or something.

It really sucks that all my emotions stay bottled up. I can talk them out as much as I want to. And I do, I am very open to everyone about my feelings and how my days are, and if I'm stressed/happy/sad/depressed. I dont lie about it and I dont try to hide it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.

But regardless of the time I spend to myself, or have someone special in my life, or vent for hours to Lynde or Shannon, I still get to this cracking point once a month. Where the tears just pour out, its completely out of my control. It really sucks, because I dont like to sweat the small stuff. I dont like to think that I get dumped on by some douchebag is this huge significant point in my life, or that its a big deal in comparison to other peoples problems like poverty and violence, and stuff like that. And yet, these small things just get to me. They stick this thorne into my heart and it just kindof sits there, I cant feel it for a while. I cover it up with laughter, shopping, work, or booze, or working out, or school work. But once a month the thorne twists and it really hurts,it hurts like a bitch.

I try to live my life to the fullest and be happy with what I have been blessed with, including friends. family, good health, and the relationships that i have experienced.
But I'll tell you what; its definately difficult to stay optimistic sometimes.

It's funny how it seems like the world just crashes down on you.

Along with the people inside,
what a wonderful
charicature of intamacy.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-09-06T00:30:00

2006-09-06T05:44:40Z

Well, here goes that vicious cycle that all girls hate to do, but know they have to do it.

Getting over someone sucks.
Especially when I completely thought I had the upper hand here; I let my gaurd down. Big Mistake.

It's not even really about letting my gaurd down, I guess I just was ready.
I cant even begin to explain the feeling of regret that I feel. But I'm not the one who held back, so I guess its just this ball in the pit of my stomache that is asking what the fuck is going on here?
It's been two years since I've been with someone, I deserve this.
Oh well I guess, not with this guy.

I'm not going to say that I was ready to become dependent on someone again.
It's just nice to be taken on fun dates, or have someone to tell you about their day, and you them about yours.
It's nice to know that someone cares other than my family and best friends.

Guys just suck ass.
I'm so over them. I'm over putting effort into someone, and yearning for something more.
It's back to my ways that I was at a few months ago. I'm not getting serious with anyone, its all fun and games.
Gotta get the game back I guess, because it seems to be the only way I dont end up getting hurt.
Dont get close to someone because in the end you end up getting hurt.
I dont really know what it is about me. I attract guys that have no tact, no compassion, and ultimately are very selfish.
I always end up caring more. And they always come crawling back, but to be honest its usually too late.
If Sean were to come to me tomorrow and tell me he fucked up, we all know I would let him explain himself and take him back.
However, this doesnt happen to me. Sean will come to me a few months from now, when I've already made myself hate him and wonder why I ever even put effort into in the first place. And it will be too late. But he will regret it. He will.
Wont he?

eff this questioning myself bull crap.
I didnt do anything.
I try not to dismiss things and put it on someone else. But at the same time, I am a very level headed person. I dont know how I manage to find these guys that are really and truely mentally fucked up.
It's just hard not to think that out of the last 5 guys I've had a serious interest in; they've all been fucked up in the head.
it's Very difficult not to question myself, and think that it has to be me.
I must be unappealing in some way. I must have this wierd trait inside of me that makes a guy run for the door at the first oppertunity.

Yo ho yo ho, the fuggin single life for me.

~~P.S, I have a date tomorrow~~
hahahhahahah

adam and eve

2006-09-04T23:53:58Z

Well hot damn.

I'm sooooo annoyed.
It sucks getting fed up with boys.
I finally found someone, finally; that I can honestly say I could see myself with.
I dont just mean dating occasionally. I mean this guy got to me.
I wanted to invest time in him, and make our spare time coincide.

And just fuck it all.
It's possible he's an alcoholic.
I dont really know what his deal is. he has family problems, which says alot about the person he is. I can say aloud that if he was, consistently, the person that I talk to on the week days, or a night when he's not boozed up, I could fall in love with him.

It's pretty scary. Because I love being single. And thats why I thought this would be different. This guy made me turn down others. I told myself, I'm almost 21, I shouldnt be getting myself into any relationship. Because I'm going to meet alot of people when I turn 21. But It was worth it to me. I was going to push it all aside for Sean. I thought that if I didnt give this my all, I would regret it. And how do I know that this guy wasnt for me?

Well, I guess I know now. I let my gaurd down, for the most part. Dont worry, I'm not heartbroken, I ccan get over this in a few days
I guess what it comes down to, is that i didnt want to get over it. I didnt want it to be done. I just know that I dont deserve to be treated this way.
I dont deserve to be treated like a door mat to a vacation home.
He only comes around when he wants to and when is convienent for him.
Writing it makes it seem worse than it really is.

I'm frusterated.
It's beyond frusteration that whatever is going on internally inside of him is holding him back like this. He wants to commit, he wants to be with me. I can see it and feel it. But he's being held back.

So this is where I draw the line.

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

chocolatemoo @ 2006-08-23T00:35:00

2006-08-23T05:54:31Z

Usually by the time the first day of school comes around I am mentally ready to go back, and take my jello of a brain and start to excersize it again after a long slumber durring the summer; where the only complicated thoughts are directions to the beach or remembering an order at the restaraunt.

However this semester seems to have kindof snuck on me, and it kindof scared me that maybe because I'm a junior and I've been going to school for fucking ever that maybe I needed to take some time off. But today i sat through my first days in my classes and that feeling of anticipation and the yearning to learn more came back. I'm glad it did come back because its pretty difficult to stick it out for an entire 16 weeks of school when from day one you dont feel like being there.

the last two years of college have been a growing time period for me, and I can honestly say that I feel like an adult when I walk into my classes and feel like I am ready and able to tackle any assignment, and go into a class with the motivation to not only pass, but to succeed in the class to get a good grade and really soak in everything I'm learning.
this semester, I know, is going to be a little different. with all the complications and surgeries and uncertainties that are going to come to my family i'm going to have to push myself harder to concentrate and stay focused. this semester I'm going to try really hard to be organized. Thats my word for the semester: organization

My english class should be pretty easy, though I am excited to practice more with rhetorical modes, and different writing processes. We have to read this book called " The cool" or something like that and it talks about pop culture and integrates music and all that stuff, and I'm just going to be excited that I can relate. Writing about things that you are passionate is SOOO much easier. I feel like I will learn techniques that will eventually help me to write arguments for cases.

Anthropology isnt at all what I expected. I mostly took it because Gregg told our Soc class that anthro was related to Soc and Soc has bascially changed my life alot. I am so intruiged by the different way that sociologists think. It focuses less on the "why did this happen", like with crime or murder or poverty. Why is this happening in our country? its less of that bullshit, and more like. Of course theres poverty! people are fucking lazy and want to live on our tax dollars forever. Why wouldnt they? its so fucking easy to sleep on the streets. Its definately a blunt and sad glimpse into reality. But at the same time I find it so exciting. No bullshit, no sugar coating at the psychological aspects of "oh well, he's poor because he got abused as a child and has no drive to get a job". and yadda yadda.

Gregg threw out this number.

One Trillion, 300 Billion dollars
is spent each year on health care in the United States. Yet as americans, are we in the best of health? fuck no we're not.
And why? because diseases continue to spread in the US. For example, why do so many fucking heroin addicts spread HIV. Maybe because its so hard and expensive to afford to buy needles, so users share them, and that is why HIV is spreading like a wild fire. Maybe we should give needles out for free, theres a bright idea.
A needle costs about 1/3 of a cent to make. Yet how much money could we save in Health care and the spreading of this terrible disease if we did do this? a fucking lot . And it wouldnt even be contributing to drug use, not one bit. How many lives would it save?

This is going to be a good semester.

And to top it off. My conversational spanish class went on for an hour and a half without one spoken word of english....at the end of the day I realized I am now fluent, and that is probably the biggest accomplishment and sense of pride I have felt for a long time.

That is all.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-08-21T17:16:00

2006-08-21T22:27:56Z

oh man.

things are about to get really really difficult for my family.

my brother recently went to the doctor and found out that his health is getting worse, and that they need to really start treating his hep c with pegasus shots to try to get it into permament remission.

In order for him to get a transplant that will be effective, the hep c needs to be in remission because the medications that he takes to help cure the hep c is terrible on the kidney. And therefore, getting a transplant would be completely pointless.

My brother is the strongest person I have ever met. Each day his body feels like shit, and he probably doesnt even want to get up in the mornings to go to work. He is pretty much forced to work two jobs because he didnt finish high school, yet still wants to have nice things and treat his girlfriend the way she wants to be treated. He tries to give her the world, and he has such a big heart and honestly my heart is breaking.
My family has been trying to put off the transplant, and dialisis, and harsh medications that will give him no motivation and make him sick everyday while he tries to work two jobs.
Not to mention that the medications cause depression.
I just wish sometimes that I could take his place.

He doesnt deserve all this.
Why would this happen.
My religion; which I take pride in, tells us that everything was planned for a reason, I have faith, and i believe that fate has helped us and our family, and his health get as far as it has. And that he is 22 years old and still living a healthy life for a reason.

My mom and dad and I sit here and have to watch this terrible disease suck the life out of him and it absolutely kills me.
He has such high ambitions and we all want to push him to achieve them, but its hard when his body wants to shut down.
It would be hard for anyone to have high spirits with the health conditions that have been thrown his way.

He's telling his girlfriend of three years that he cant treat her the way she deserves because he's always depressed and tired, and has no desire to show affection and that he loves her and that she deserves someone more stable.
this is the saddest thing i have ever experienced.

Things are about to get really hard around this house. and I cant even express with words how scared I am.

yikes.

2006-08-13T20:23:06Z

Heyyyy i'm going to try to start writing in this thing more often, because it makes me feel good to write my feelings. Its easier than talking about them.

I mmmeett a boy. A boy that is nothing like anyone I have ever dated before.
He looks at me when I'm not paying attention. And wants to take me out,and refuses to let me pay for things, even when I try to sneak it into his back pocket, or justify a reason why he should let me pay.

Its true that when you arent looking for someone, they just kindof seem to fall right into your lap.

Ive gone on many dates in the last two years of my single life. Not a ton, because if I did, I would have probably been in some sort of a relationship by now. But enough to keep me satisfied, and not getting depressed that I dont think I'll ever find someone and all that.

I posted a while back with something along those lines, but the truth was that I had my eyes set on someone and my heart stayed with them for 9 months too long. only to be trampled on, disrespected, and used.
Thats pretty much what it comes down to. I would like to tell myself differently, but the bottom line is that I compromised my morals, and ultimately became the girl that I never wanteed to be, and once loathed.

This guy is kindof making me feel completely vulnerable. you know that feeling when you first get to know someone. It can usually go one way or the other. you could get to know them better and give them a try, let them maybe try to become a part of my busy life. Because honestly, anyone that I allow to date me should consider themselves lucky. Not because i'm some amazing, drop dead gorgeous girl, because I am fucking busy
I work like 50-60 hours a week, I enjoy working out, and hanging out with Shannon and Lynde, and my family on occasion. They are pretty much the only people I make time for.

I guess, the others that I went out on first dates with, I wasnt willing to squeeze them into the picture; but this one is different, and to be honest it kindof scares me.

I am, on the other hand, pretty excited. I find myself text messaging him with thoughts that come to my mind, wanting to spend free time with him no matter the hour of the night. And mostly, just smiling the entire durration of our dates. He makes me laugh, and we all know the key to a girls heart is through laughter.

I`am basically smitten over this guy, and theres no hiding it.
My days have been happier and lighter and faster since I met him.
what the hell is wrong with me?
Id better nip this shit in the bud right now.

He always tells me, you know, i think we have alot in common.

I dont think thats really true. I think we are alot alike, and thats different. I find out personalities click almost perfectly. This guy is not my type. How in the world did that happen?

The other day, we had a Two hour phone conversation what the hell? when was the last time you did that. Oh, probably in about the 7th grade, when you were grounded or couldnt hang out because it was a school night, or whatever. And I could have easily talked for another two hours.

My life is beautiful, and I couldnt be more happy with the curve balls that fate has thrown at me; because its times like these you realize there was a reason it didnt work out with all the others.

dont worry though, I still hate boys.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-07-29T18:55:00

2006-07-30T00:00:52Z

You know what is annoying. is when my 40 year old boss is a total jackass. Turned into a total asshole, pressured me and made me feel guilty when I didnt call him for a day or two. Freaked out on me when I didnt want to go to his house all the time, fuckin cant even say hello to me at work!!!

He wrote a girl up once for not saying hello when he had a falling out with a different employee. So I'm making sure I say hello, and pay for all my meals, wear the right thing etc so that I dont get written up. It's really frusterating to have to walk on egg shells at work. And everyone tells me that i should just apologize to him and he would get over it. but i'm not going to apologize to him when I didnt do anything. I can admit when I am wrong, its not a problem for me. I do not have too much pride. But this was one thing that I refuse to confront him first, because he needs to tell me he is sorry. I wish everything could just go away, because I hate confrontation. It makes me so annoyed and bothered that i get sweaty and want to cry and fight someone all at the same time.

And then he turns in to butt buddies with everyone around me. and it fuckin sucks ass because everyone hates on him all the time, but he's the boss so everyone has to fake a smile and kiss his ass so that he doesnt make work miserable for them too.

fuck Jimmy's

This customer at work asked me today if I play any sports, and then told me that its because I look really muscular and "solid". what the fuck man. cheer fucked my body up.

hey, I want to go shoot pool. right now.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-07-28T01:23:00

2006-07-28T06:30:28Z

Every fuggin night is busy at Crocodile Cafe I swear. I love it though, its so different working there. People actually have class and tact and respect. Its nothing that I'm used to at a restaurant. However, the servers arent really that good. Could be because we're cutting hours, but it seems like everyone is always behind, and thats really not good for business or tips.

You want to hear something kinda cool? is that I'm on the computer so much that I dont even have to look at the keyboard the entire time I write anything, its pretty dope, and I'm kinda stoked on it. I mean, yea sure alot of people can type that good, but not alot of kids my age. And ya, I'm a kid.

I kinda decided that I want to be in a love a little bit.
Not really in love, but I do kindof miss that feeling. I guess I just miss someone that I can count on wanting to spend time with me, even if it just means to hang out and watch Laguna Beach and ask each other questions about things they dont know about each other.
Allright, I guess love was taking it too far because I dont want to be in love. I guess I just want to meet someone that I can date, but nonchalantely, please. I dont need anything all serious where I get all involved, suddenly grades start slipping, and I want to leave work all the time to spend time with them. And then the next thing I know, I cant even spend an hour at home by myself, I have to invite them to come over the second I get home to try to squeeze them into my busy schedule. I guess I cant have anyone thats all clingy and bull crap like that.
See...? this is so impossible. Men will never find the right women for them, and women can never get the right guy, There is this grey area that everyone tries so hard to find and maintain, but the boundries always get crossed.

Okay, we're just dating.

Well...why dont you want to hang out with me? Why didnt you call me?

Oh, its your night off, lets hang out...?

No thanks I'd rather fucking sleep tonight; thanks though babe.

Ew dont call me babe. Pet names are fucking over rated anyways.

see and then the bickering starts. I love writing in this thing because I get to express the things that really and truely run through my head. I just had a one sided conversation with this livejournal. And it was completely empathetic. Thank you LJ. I forgot how much I loved this damn thing.

chocolatemoo @ 2006-07-25T00:17:00

2006-07-25T05:31:56Z

how come it seems transitions in life are painful yet rewarding at the same time? its crazy when you pretty much just watch yourself growing up; learning the things and people that make you happy and that you want in your life.

I'm working three jobs right now, and sometimes I get really mad at myself for being so committed and responsible and independent that i pretty much rely on no one but myself to make money and get my classes and all the things that you might take for granted if your parents do these things for you. Now, I am not going to tell you I pay for everything, like rent or my cell phone or school. But that is pretty much the only things I do not pay for. And it really feels like an accomplishment, but at the same time reality is a bitch, and it constantly slaps me in the face. I got this thing from my dad where I constantly freak out about money. I try not to, but hence my three jobs.

I like this feeling of independence, probably because my whole life I have always depended on others to tell me how to act or feel or love. I have always had a boyfriend, or friends that I would tend to ley sway the person I really am. I have two best friends that i would never trade for the world. And they love me for who I am, and I dont ever have to fake to be someone I'm not.

I've been struggling lately with time management. I try my hardest to make it to the gym, and spend time with my family, and most of all some alone time for myself. The last one is huge for me. I need lots of Hawley time. Mostly I can achieve a good amount of Hawley time simply driving to and from work or school listening to Brand New and I cant help but feel like everything in my life is falling into place.

School is already situated for next semester, and I'm really stoked on my classes. From time to time I feel this void. I know that it can easily be filled. But due to the fact that I have had boyfriends my whole life, I am a picky bitch now, and that tends to fuck me over sometimes. But on the same hand, I guess its better not to waste my bit of free time with someone I am not completely satisfied with.

I want so bad to meet someone that can make me smile. The sad thing is that it doesnt take much to make me smile. But all the guys I run in to lately are complete douche bags, or just arent my style at all. (I dont mean literal style). I want someone to spend my free time with, but I am yet to come across a boy that really intruiges me.

What the fuck am I saying? I hate relationships, they are over rated. One person ends up loving the other more, and they end up getting their heart trampled on, which hurts beyond belief. I know first hand, I am always the one that loves more. Is willing to give more, is willing to sacrafice more. And its all a bunch of bullshit.
Oh, while we're on this subject, I dont think I'm going to get married. Or have children. And there are alot of underlying reasons, including global warming. Thats fucken right. Look how damn hot it is. It's only going to get worse, because these yuppy ass snobs refuse to drive any thing else but an escalade running 3 miles per gallon. I dont know, but seriously An Inconvienent Truth was a very good movie, and I am actually a Bush supporter. Okay, now I'm just playing with fire; bringing politics into this. No one comment on this part of my entry allright, I dont even want to deal with that.

Aaannnd, lately I feel like my parents dont want to be my parents anymore, and I think its a crock of shit. My mother asks me for anything and I will do what I can. But I ask her to do a simple thing like wash my shoes or run to fashion valley to get me a LaCoste shirt, and suddenly I'm a selfish bitch and I cant always get what I want: annoying, this was my mistake becomming so independent, now I dont get any help.

okay, I'll stop bitching now. This was supposed to be an optimistic entry. oops, maybe next time.